Beyond the family, the next closest relationship that one has is with his friends. The companions with whom one chooses to associate have a great influence upon his thinking and behavior. Therefore, it is important that one chooses his friends wisely. The book of Proverbs contains instructions that will help us see the reason why good friends are so important and why bad friends are so dangerous.
The Value of Good Friends
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (17:17).
Because of the family ties that exist, a brother can often be counted upon in times of adversity. On the other hand, a friend – the companion one has by choice, rather than by birth – can be counted upon for support and encouragement “at all times,” not just during times of hardship. It should be noted that the friend of this verse is a true friend. Sadly, many “friends” are not. These will be discussed later on.
“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy” (27:6).
Because we are imperfect, we often need correction. The wounds of a friend are “faithful” because they are designed to correct and guide one back to the truth. Unlike the friend, one’s enemy does not have his best interest at heart. Therefore, the “kisses” that the enemy offers – signs of affection, approval, and encouragement – are “deceitful” because they give one the impression that he is fine in his current state. Though the “wounds of a friend” may be temporarily painful, they are ultimately helpful as they allow one to see his sin and make correction. A true friend is willing to do this, rather than attempting to make one feel comfortable in sin as the enemy does.
“Oil and perfume make the heart glad, so a man’s counsel is sweet to his friend” (27:9).
The “counsel” being offered is teaching or advice. A friend ought to be willing to offer his counsel at times when it will be helpful. Once this counsel is offered, one must recognize the value of the advice given by his friend and take heed to it.
“Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (27:17).
One of the things that good friends do for one another is that they help make each other better. A good friend is not going to encourage one to remain in sin or to be content with mediocrity. Instead, a good friend is going to encourage one to become more like God and continue to follow the path of wisdom.
The Danger of Bad Friends
Compared to the passages that discuss the value of good friends, there are many more that warn about the danger of bad friends. A possible reason for this is that man generally understands that friendship is important, but is not always as discerning in choosing his friends as he ought to be. Therefore, a greater emphasis is placed upon the warnings. So let us consider the warnings in the book of Proverbs about bad friendships.
“Do not be envious of evil men, nor desire to be with them; for their minds devise violence, and their lips talk of trouble” (24:1-2).
We are not to envy evil men because their ultimate fate is one of destruction when the time comes for God to “render to man according to his work” (24:12). In addition to this warning, Solomon says that we should not “desire to be with them” because of their corrupt thoughts, speech, and, by implication, actions. Friends are those close companions we choose for ourselves. It is imperative that we be very careful not to choose those who are evil.
“Leave the presence of a fool, or you will not discern words of knowledge” (14:7).
Those with whom we associate will have an influence upon us. The longer we associate with fools, the more likely we will start seeing things from their perspective. As fools “despise…wisdom” (23:9), we will, on account of their influence, cease discerning the words of knowledge as well.
“Let a man meet a bear robbed of her cubs, rather than a fool in his folly” (17:12).
Solomon uses an example of an obviously dangerous situation (meeting a bear robbed of her cubs) to warn of the danger that is often not as obvious – that of meeting “a fool in his folly.” Both should be avoided as they can lead to destruction. Interestingly, the obvious danger of the bear can only inflict physical harm. The less obvious danger – at least to those who fail to heed the warnings of the wise man – of the fool can inflict both physical harm and, worse, spiritual harm.
“Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself” (22:24-25).
This verse makes the same warning as one previously considered (14:7). Those with whom we associate will have an influence upon us. Whereas the previous verse warned about the fool, this passage warns about the “man given to anger.” Though their specific sins may be different, the threat is the same. If we “associate with a man given to anger,” we “will learn his ways,” which will only lead to trouble for us later.
“My son, fear the Lord and the king; do not associate with those who are given to change, for their calamity will rise suddenly, and who knows the ruin that comes from both of them?” (24:21-22).
In choosing one’s companions, it is important to do so in the fear of God. Solomon couples this with the fear one ought to have for the king. Because of this connection, we must understand this ruler to be one who is ruling according to the will of God. This is why he says, “Do not associate with those who are given to change.” Change can be good, particularly if sin and corruption need to be corrected. If rulers are acting contrary to the will of God, we ought to desire change in this regard. But change for the sake of change – which is what Solomon is referring to here – is not good. It reflects an attitude of rebellion and discontent. Seeking change for these reasons, rather than for principles of righteousness, will lead one not only to resist civil leaders, but God as well. Those who have such a rebellious and discontented heart will face calamity “suddenly.” Therefore, one who is following the paths of wisdom will avoid “those who are given to change.”
“He who keeps the law is a discerning son, but he who is a companion of gluttons humiliates his father” (28:7).
Solomon contrasts keeping the law with keeping company with gluttons. The glutton is one who lacks self-control. Self-control is necessary to do what is right and keep the law, whether the laws of men or the law of God. One who keeps company with gluttons, learns their intemperate ways, and acts rebelliously as a result, will bring shame upon his father.
“He who is a partner with a thief hates his own life; he hears the oath but tells nothing” (29:24).
When one partners with a thief, he does so by his own free will; he is not forced to do so. Though he may decide to make such a partnership because he hopes to share in the spoil (cf. 1:13-14), in the end, he will only face destruction (1:19). In order to protect himself and his evil partner, he will tell nothing, which is in direct violation to the law of God: “Now if a person sins after he hears a public adjuration to testify when he is a witness, whether he has seen or otherwise known, if he does not tell it, then he will bear his guilt” (Leviticus 5:1).
“Do not eat the bread of a selfish man, or desire his delicacies; for as he thinks within himself, so he is. He says to you, ‘Eat and drink!’ But his heart is not with you. You will vomit up the morsel you have eaten, and waste your compliments” (23:6-8).
Those who are selfish may still show kindness to others. But they will be resentful of it. Though the actions of the “selfish man” may mask his intentions, Solomon says, “For as he thinks within himself, so he is.” Friendship with such a selfish individual is not reciprocal – “his heart is not with you.” Any kindness you give to him – such as a compliment – is wasted.
“He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip” (20:19).
One who is a gossip does not necessarily say things that are untrue. Rather, a gossip “reveals secrets” that should not be made known publicly. Associating with a gossip only gives that person more that they can reveal about you to others. We sometimes hear the phrase: if someone gossips to you, they will gossip about you. This is essentially what Solomon’s point is in this verse.
“Drive out the scoffer, and contention will go out, even strife and dishonor will cease” (22:10).
Strife is a fire that needs fuel to continue to burn. Solomon says elsewhere: “For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down” (26:20). In any contentious environment, there is at least one person who is guilty of fanning the flames of discord. If we are friends with the scoffer, we can be assured that contention and strife will abound in our lives.
“A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (18:24).
The New American Standard and King James translations are very different for the first half of this verse. One says, “A man of too many friends comes to ruin” (NASB). The other says, “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly” (KJV). The point suggested in the King James Version is the one most think of when reading this verse – if one expects to have friends, he must show himself to be friendly to others. This is true. But the wording in the New American Standard suggests that this refers to more than just showing good will toward others. Instead, one who has “too many friends” must try to please them all – a nearly impossible task. Therefore, Solomon says this man “comes to ruin.” On the other hand, there is “a friend” (as opposed to “many friends”) who “sticks closer than a brother.” This is a true friend. Friends like this are sometimes difficult to find. But rather than trying to please everyone – which will only result in making everyone unhappy in one way or another – the wise man will recognize who his true friends are, though they may be few, and not allow himself to ruined by all the others.
“Wealth adds many friends, but a poor man is separated from his friend.” “Many will seek the favor of a generous man, and every man is a friend to him who gives gifts. All the brothers of the poor man hate him; how much more do his friends abandon him! He pursues them with words, but they are gone” (19:4, 6-7).
The friends discussed in these verses are not like the “friend who sticks closer than a brother” (18:24). These are not true friends, but are only interested in taking advantage of others. This is why they flock to those who are wealthy and generous, but forsake those who are poor. True friends will show a genuine interest in the person, regardless of his economic status.
“He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him” (27:14).
This verse teaches us of the need to be considerate of others. The fact that a blessing is given is irrelevant if it comes at such a time and in a certain way as to cause stress and annoyance to the one being blessed. We should be thoughtful of others and not assume that every supposed kindness that we might show in every circumstance and in every way will be welcome.
The Power of Peer Pressure
Peer pressure is not a phenomenon that affects only those who are still in their youth. All people, young and old, can be influenced by their peers. This influence could be either good or bad.
“He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm” (13:20).
Those who choose to keep company with “wise men” will learn from them and become wise themselves. On the other hand, those who choose to keep company with “fools” will suffer the fate of the fool. Therefore, companions must be chosen carefully. In the following two passages, Solomon warns of the dangerous influence and peer pressure that comes from evil companions.
“My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent. If they say, ‘Come with us, let us lie in wait for blood, let us ambush the innocent without cause; let us swallow them alive like Sheol, even whole, as those who go down to the pit; we will find all kinds of precious wealth, we will fill our houses with spoil; throw in your lot with us, we shall all have one purse,’ my son, do not walk in the way with them.
“Keep your feet from their path, for their feet run to evil and they hasten to shed blood. Indeed, it is useless to spread the baited net in the sight of any bird; but they lie in wait for their own lives. So are the ways of everyone who gains by violence; it takes away the life of its possessors” (1:10-19).
“My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent” (1:10). Though Solomon says “if,” he does not mean that sinners might leave some people alone and not try to influence them. Sinners will try to draw others into their ungodly activities. When this happens, the wise man states simply and clearly: “Do not consent.”
“If they say, ‘Come with us, let us lie in wait for blood, let us ambush the innocent without cause; let us swallow them alive like Sheol, even whole, as those who go down to the pit’” (1:11-12). Those who find enjoyment in doing harm to others are not the kind of friends we ought to have. While those who would try to “entice” us will often not propose such extreme and aggressive actions, a similar attitude of contempt for one’s fellow man is common today. We should avoid those who have such an attitude.
“‘We will find all kinds of precious wealth, we will fill our houses with spoil; throw in your lot with us, we shall all have one purse’” (1:13-14). In their wicked activities, those who would tempt us will offer a share in the spoils of their sin. This carries with it the idea of fellowship. Yet if one wishes to share in the spoil of sin, he must also share in the punishment of sin (1:19).
“My son, do not walk in the way with them. Keep your feet from their path, for their feet run to evil and they hasten to shed blood” (1:15-16). The ones about whom Solomon warns his son are not simply misguided youths who end up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Evil does not just happen to find them; they go out looking for it. Therefore, if one walks “in the way with them,” he will find himself in the same trouble as them.
“Indeed, it is useless to spread the baited net in the sight of any bird; but they lie in wait for their own blood; they ambush their own lives. So are the ways of everyone who gains by violence; it takes away the life of its possessors” (1:17-19). Though their intention is to take advantage of and harm others, these wicked ones are ultimately destroying themselves. Sin always tempts one to focus on the short-term gain and ignore the long-term consequences. Often, one can see the long-term consequences if he will simply pay attention. Solomon says, “It is useless to spread the baited net in the sight of any bird.” Why? The bird will see it and not fall for the trap. But often, sinners foolishly see, but ignore, the damaging effects of their sin. They will suffer for it. If we consent to go with them (1:10), we will suffer as well.
“Do not enter the path of the wicked and do not proceed in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not pass by it; turn away from it and pass on. For they cannot sleep unless they make someone stumble. For they eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence. But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day. The way of the wicked is like darkness; they do not know over what they stumble” (4:14-19).
“Do not enter the path of the wicked and do not proceed in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not pass by it; turn away from it and pass on” (4:14-15). These two verses contain six admonitions to keep from following the wicked. (1) “Do not enter the path of the wicked.” (2) “Do not proceed in the way of evil men.” (3) “Avoid it.” (4) “Do not pass by it.” (5) “Turn away from it.” (6) “Pass on.” Obviously, Solomon is trying to strongly impress upon his son the seriousness of peer pressure from the wicked.
“For they cannot sleep unless they do evil; and they are robbed of sleep unless they make someone stumble” (4:16). Some are so corrupt that they feel as though they need to do evil. Some people who commit sin end up losing sleep because of their guilty conscience. These individuals have seared their conscience to the point that they no longer feel guilty for sin. But more than that, they feel as though they are missing something important when they fail to bring harm to others.
“For they eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence” (4:17). Bread provides sustenance. Wickedness is what sustains the ones about whom Solomon is warning. “Wine is a mocker” (20:1), deceiving people and causing them to “forget what is decreed” (31:5). The violence that these sinners carry out against others deceives them into thinking that they are greater than others and immune to retaliation. Yet they forget that they are accountable to God and that “vengeance” belongs to Him (Deuteronomy 32:35).
“But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day. The way of the wicked is like darkness; they do not know over what they stumble” (4:18-19). When choosing what path to take, it may seem obvious that the wise choice would be the path that allows one to see where he is going. Yet the pressure of one’s peers who are following the path of darkness is so strong that many follow in that way. We must choose our path based upon what God has revealed, not what our peers (or anyone else) try to tempt us to do.
